


Between the pages

by Katyasmattel



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: F/F, I’m bad at descriptions, Lesbians, Library AU, Social Anxiety, trixya - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:14:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29277552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katyasmattel/pseuds/Katyasmattel
Summary: Trixie Mattel is a timid girl struggling with social anxiety, balancing her battle with the world around her staying afloat in her own head. Luckily when she secures herself a job at the local library, she finds she can take solace between the pages of her favourite books for hours on end. However when she meets a girl with an affinity for language and speech, something she's totally terrified by, she finds maybe opposites really do attract.
Relationships: Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova
Comments: 5
Kudos: 19





	1. Breath

Just breath, is what they'd told her. Over and over again the same mantra etched into the tracks of her brain like the melodies of her favourite songs. 

Before this, she would've just let the panic take over. Wouldn't have a choice. She'd have it synthesise with her self pity and let the military band of anxiety devour her and ring in her ears like a soldiers heavy march. She would've let each insecurity be an instrument in the grand skirmish of her brain and drown everything else out as it played at full volume and thrummed in her bones. 

That'd been her mindset since she was child. It was all she knew really. Everyday had always blurred together in an endless attempt to navigate through a minefield of social situations, the blonde having to avoid every explosive stare and heavy artillery comment with absolutely no ammunition of her own. She'd become the disregarded shotgun shells spread across the dirt whenever she'd even attempt to fire off a shot of her own. It was hopeless. The crusade against herself was exposing and relentless. 

Now though, she was doing better. Well at least now she could leave the house, which she saw as a personal victory. She'd try to remember those words and instead of letting the intrusive symphony play however it wanted she'd stand in front of the sea of soldiers ready and waiting with weapons of self doubt and panic and become the conductor. Scramble to take control. The stray chords could be tamed with the upmost discipline just like when she'd pluck the strings of her guitar in the safe haven of her room. Sometimes. 

In these small moments it allowed her to resurface from the tidal waves of worry that would pull her under and hold her there until her chest filled with water and she'd feel like she was drowning. The precious and fleeting beats of her irregular self destructive thought pattern that offered a chance for her lungs to fill again and offer buoyancy to keep her afloat. Even though her muscles would ache from fighting against the current afterwards.

They were only there sometimes, but when she remembered to breath she could at least try to regulate the harsh thoughts that swarmed her stream of consciousness. 

—-  
Trixie pushed open the heavy door with sweaty palms, piercing the silence of the library with a small screech and making the inhabitants glance at her briefly. A small flicker of unsettlement burned in her chest for a second but she quickly snuffed it out and filled her lungs once again. Breath. 

The air was dusty and lingered around her, not surprising for such and ancient building but something about it oddly comforted her. Maybe it was how it reminded her of her grandpas house back in Wisconsin, she didn't dwell on it too much, too fascinated by the shelves upon shelves of beaten up books that she couldn't wait to get her hands on. 

Now she was doing better, Kim a trusted friend who'd been the cornerstone of her return to normality (whatever that was) had strongly encouraged her to get a small job. The prospect made her sick to her stomach at first. Having to face the judgements of the outside world. A world that had no idea she was just a flickering lightbulb in an abandoned building waiting to blow its fuse with any resurgence of disturbance. The woman knew she couldn't handle a busy office job surrounded by other people, constant sounds of an incessant telephone that would match the ringing in her ears or working in a restaurant with demanding costumers. No, the pressure would kill her. Or maybe put her back into another episode, which was close enough. So when she'd finally gotten the courage to start applying for positions, a small secluded library tucked away in the corner of the city away from the chaos was the best choice. 

She'd always loved books. Which was kind of ironic now she thought about it. Staring up at the endless wall of portals to different worlds, filled with pages upon pages of nothing but social interaction, something that she was totally terrified by. And yet she'd never felt more safe than when she was lulled by the perfectly crafted words of an author who would carry her through as smoothly as possible. Maybe that's why she liked it, the outcome was already determined, the dynamics were laid out before her and all she had to do was wade herself through it. The obstacle course that a conversation usually provided for her was transformed into a clear path of normality that seemed to settle her. 

A tall middle aged looking woman was stood behind the front desk, what looked like some cheesy romance novel folded between her fingers delicately. Trixie was never really into those kind of books, far too cliche and far fetched at the same time. Putting herself in the lives of the characters was crucial to her reading and imaging she was some perfectly poised severe business mogul who broke her cold facade for some arrogant but ultimately encapsulating guy wasn't something she could connect with. Before she knew it she was pacing over to her, breaths heavy in her chest. She'd spoken to her on the phone briefly and she seemed like a nice enough woman, but actually having a conversation face to face with someone new was still a prospect that she couldn't help but feel a little unnerved by. Nevertheless she took steady steps and finally found herself in front of her. 

"Can I help you dear" her voice was just as careful and sturdy as on the phone Trixie found it oddly reassuring. "I'm uh I'm here to um work we spoke on the phone a few days ago I think" that was all she could stutter out her hands grasped firmly onto the desk to steady herself. It wasn't much but she was proud of herself for getting over the first hurdle. "Oh of course your must be Trixie" she smiled signalling for her to walk around the desk to where she was standing. The girl quickly followed watching her tap at the computer, eyeing the intricate bracelets dance on her wrists. "You have no idea how glad I am you applied for this job. Jinx just picked up and left without any notice and I thought I was going to have to work double shifts until we found someone. Luckily though you called and now we have someone to balance the load" she explained now strolling over to a trolley full of books. Trixie didn't move just watched as she went on trying to steady her hands. "Now your resume says that you're an English Literature major but I also saw that your Math SAT scores were sky high so I'm guessing you're pretty good with numbers as well as the written word?". She was. Growing up Trixie had been top of her class in both math and English but when the time came to choose a college major, Literature had won out with the excuse she wanted to become a writer one day. That dream seemed so far out of her stratosphere right now though she couldn't even comprehend it. "Yes ma'am" the girl nodded clasping her hands together trying to dispel some of the sweat that had formed on her palms. "Oh please call me Raja. Now it shouldn't take you long to figure out how the books are sorted. Each genre is structured and categorised with the Dewey Decimal system of course which I have no doubt you'll understand right away. These books are the returned ones so they just need putting back on the shelves". Trixie just nodded making her way over to the trolley. She was happy to have a task to busy herself with, putting books back in their rightful places shouldn't be that hard after all, she was just grateful she hadn't asked her to work the front desk just yet. 

Just as Raja said, finding the place of each book was an east task. Plus she got to look at all the other titles that she might get to read in future which excited her and made her forget about being nervous. So far it was going fine, no had tried to talk her thus far she just kept herself hidden in the stacks, camouflaged by the mystery novel section. This meant she also got to sneak looks at some of the people around the place. What kind of books people liked to read told you a lot about a them. She'd quickly learned that at college, when she actually took classes in person. Telling the artsy eccentrics from the serious classical people was easy depending on what books they would bring to class. 

Before she knew it, it was nearing the end of her shift and she'd found herself back behind the desk fiddling with the last books on her trolley. The girl was about to start heading over to the last shelf when an almost frazzled looking woman approached the desk holding a stack of books messily in her arms and a small smile on her lips. Immediately she made eye contact with Trixie, causing her skin to tighten and her chest to squeeze. She was definitely approaching her and she really wasn't ready to talk to anyone, especially not her. Trixie didn't think even if she was a normal functioning human being she could have a conversation with someone like her in a coherent way. The woman was breathtakingly beautiful and far too confident for Trixies demeanour, she would make a complete fool of herself. Quickly the blonde panicked and dropped to the floor pretending to reshuffle the books on the bottom shelf of the trolley her fingers shaking. The girl looked confused for a second before she caught Rajas expression and placed the books down on the desk looking at the back of Trixies head. "Back so soon Katya?" she joked scanning them with a smile. "Oh you know me, gotta keep myself busy". Trixie could hear her voice from behind her and detected a hint of an accent immediately. Ukrainian maybe, something Slavic. A few moments later she was gone though and Trixie watched her walk back through the door into the street blonde curls bouncing behind her. 

"Alright I think you're done for the day sweetie. Congratulations you made it thought you're first shift". Trixie internally sighed in relief, she really needed to get some air to try and cool the embarrassment in her cheeks. "Thank you ma- Raja. I'll see you tomorrow" she spoke quietly before making her way out. 

As soon as the air hit her face she took a deep breath letting it spread across her skin. The feeling overtook for a second as she closed her eyes before she was interrupted by that same interesting voice from a few moments ago. "So you're the new Jinkx" she spoke eying her up and down. Trixie immediately turned to her taking in the image of her leaning against the brick wall cigarette dangling from her red painted lips. Trixies throat immediately closed up no sound coming out. Her body was frozen on the spot and suddenly the world around her became fuzzy. Katya didn't seem to register it though as she carried on. "You know when she left and Raja told me she was being replaced you are not what I expected at all". 

"I um- what?". Her eyes were wide as she watched the smoke float and dispel into the air above, mirroring exactly how her brain felt at this moment. "Well you work here don't you, or do you just make a habit of hiding behind front desks and avoiding eye contact with people?" she smirked around the cigarette inhaling deeply before blowing the smoke out once again. The taller blonde still wasn't able to say anything completely disarmed by her comment, and she was sure her cheeks were now a shade that matched her sweater. "Well, it was nice to meet you doll. I'll see you around, I'll be interested to know if barbie comes with a voice box" she giggled before stubbing her cigarette under her boot and strolling away down the street.


	2. Leap of faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Look, I would like to go for coffee with you I really would, but I don't do social settings very well if you couldn't tell and I really wouldn't wanna mess anything up. Also forgive me if I'm reading into this completely the wrong way but, I'm not gay so I really appreciate how sweet you've been but I can't."

The next day when Trixie went back to the little library, her shift was just as daunting as the last. Raja had to run some errands in the back all day so had entrusted Trixie with manning the front desk to which she completely and utterly dreaded with every fibre of her anxiety ridden being. It wasn't that big of deal really, no one actually came to talk to her except to take out a book or ask where the romance section was, but nevertheless she found herself akin to a scared rabbit in the forest trying to avoid every creature that spooked her. Around four hours had passed and she was trying to settle into it the best she could, knowing that this would be a regular occurrence and was just part of the job. However when a certain bouncy blonde approached once again with that cocky smile and upbeat demeanour her heart immediately stopped in her chest. 

"And so we meet again Barbie" the woman chimed placing her books down onto the desk in front of her, folding her elbows delicately on the top of them and inching closer to her face with an expectant grin. Ice blue eyes shot straight into Trixies for what seemed like forever and it was at this point the girl clenched her fists, digging her nails into her palms to still the shaking. She stared for a little longer zeroing in on her frozen expression trapping the little rabbit right on the spot until she let out a breath and pushed the books closer. "I'd like to check these out please if you wouldn't mind" she explained splaying her fingers out on top of the French textbooks giving them a proud tap as if she'd just conquered the country itself. Her eyes didn't move from Trixie though who'd now broken their stare and moved her eyes down to the books, lashes fluttering along with her breath. 

"Sure" she replied nervously, waiting until the blonde lifted her hands with a chuckle to start scanning them. The abrupt beep rang through her skull with each one, filling the silence between them overrun with tension. She knew she was on the brink of an outburst, terrified she'd say something stupid or let on the feelings of panic swirling in her mind. The small blonde didn't seem to detect it one bit though as she leaned a hip against the wood tapping her nails rhythmically and taking in Trixies appearance raking her eyes over her figure carefully . "So Raja tells me your an English Literature Major at Boston, you know my department is right next you yours, it's a wonder we haven't met before". Shit. Fucking shit. She was trying to start a conversation, great. Couldn't she just take her books and leave so Trixie could breath again? Maybe it was too early to be back in the real world. She'd thought she was getting better, not running for the hills when people gave her a second look but here she was pulse racing and lips drying up with every second. Nevertheless though she replied trying desperately to keep her stability. "Huh weird" she uttered handing the textbooks back and clasping her hands together again. "You really don't like to talk much do you doll? What is there a string I gotta pull or something? I mean I've been known to make women speechless from time to time but this is really something else". Much to her surprise that little comment actually made Trixie laugh a little under her breath. For a small second this goddess of confidence didn't seem so out of reach, like she'd grown to her size in a millisecond and they were just having a conversation on the same plane of existence. That was a new feeling, she'd never really felt like that at all. Even for Kim it took a while to get comfortable with her presence. The panic seemed to waver and shrink overshadowed by the pure joy radiating from this strange woman. "Hey look at that I got a laugh out of you that's gotta be good right?". Her voice was louder now as she waved her hands around in triumph, but in a split second however she leaned in as close as the desk would allow her as if she was about to tell the girl a huge secret. Trixies breath hitched again as she inched towards her, leaning in almost to her ear, but it wasn't out of fear for once in her life. 

On any other occasion she would've recoiled but this seemed almost normal.This woman was unbelievable. "Next step is getting the mysterious little bookworms name. I think it'll be a challenge folks but I reckon we're close" she whispered giggling under her breath, Trixie feeling it on the exposed skin of her neck and making a shiver run down her spine. The blonde rolled her eyes for a moment trying to dispel the tingling running down her back, a smile creeping onto her lips. She didn't know why but this girl didn't seem so intimidating anymore, she acted like she wasn't scared of anything and usually that would have made it worse but she felt oddly comforted by it in strange type of way.   
"Trixie" she finally spoke her own name feeling oddly natural coming out of her mouth for oonce. "Oh very fitting, I'm Katya nice to meet you. I'm the head of the language department over at the university. You can usually find in the foreign literature section over there flicking through the likes of Petrushevskaya or Baudelaire..either that or in the candy isle at the grocery store". A proud look made its way to her eyes as she clicked her tongue the sound reverberating through the stacks. "Nice to uh meet you Katya". 

"So you met anyone else around here yet other than Raja and now my very esteemed self of course" she quipped giving a little bow and waving her hand. "No, uh meeting new people isn't really my strong point. Seems to be yours though". Katya once again lit up at that, clearly happy with herself she'd managed to coax the shy librarian from her shell just a little. "Of course, I always like to introduce myself. Especially to cute women who dress like they're ready for a 90s barbie convention at any time of the day. In your life you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some that you wish you never have to think about again...You know who said that?". 

"C.S Lewis?" 

"Woah what do you know Barbie knows her stuff. He's right though, meeting someone new is always worth it no matter how it turns out in the end". Those words struck Trixie in a way she didn't really expect. Her whole life she'd been scared to talk to people in fear she'd humiliate herself or they'd hate her right off the bat, but here was this woman with a completely opposite world view and yet she completely understood. "But that doesn't make it any less scary. Villainy wears many masks, none so dangerous as the mask of virtue". She didn't know where that came from but the words just flowed from her without any question. "Sleepy hollow?" Katya asked.   
"That would be correct" Trixie smiled watching her load the last of the books into her arms.   
"Well Trixie I can assure you I'm not a villain. What you see is what you get" she nodded catching the book that had fallen off the top of the pile before giving her a nod. "I'll keep that in mind".   
"And now fair maiden I must bid you adieu for there is much work to be done grading lowly miscreants French papers for a measly sum that barely covers my rent. However, before I depart I will present you with a simple offer of a hot beverage after your shift at the humble coffee shop down the street. I will be over there by the horror section awaiting your generous reply but until then, farewell". And with that she turned on her heel leaving Trixie completely blown back. 

Coffee? Coffee couldn't be that bad right? Just two acquaintances having a conversation...in a very social setting..with loud noises and judging stares. Wait, was this more than coffee? Did katya...like her? But she wasn't gay, she didn't think about girls like that. Well she'd never really thought about anyone like that, but the idea of feeling that way about a girl no less never even crossed her mind. She wanted to know Katya, she was the first person in a long time who'd managed to pull her out of a nervous state, be a buoy in the sea of panic. However the proposition fo coffee was far too confusing for her already messy brain. 

After almost an hour of deliberation, she finally conjured up the courage to make her way over to where Katya was staring down at papers, red pen between her teeth. As soon as she detected Trixie though her expression lifted and and beamed in her direction. "Ah fair maiden, have you considered my offer?" She asked now twirling the pen in her fingers an excited look in her eyes. "I have. Look, I would like to go for coffee with you I really would, but I don't do social settings very well if you couldn't tell and I really wouldn't wanna mess anything up. Also forgive me if I'm reading into this completely the wrong way but, I'm not gay so I really appreciate how sweet you've been but I can't.". Katya, for the first time in a long time was completely stunned as she visibly deflated. She had absolutely no idea what to say. After a few moments though she cleared her throat and rose again, standing up from the chair screeching against the floor. "Well..I gotta say I completely misjudged that situation then, I really thought you might be into girls. Doesn't matter though, my loss I'm sorry for assuming. You could come back to my place though and still have that coffee if you're more comfortable, as friends of course. I promise I'm not a serial killer". 

"No I think I left those back in Wisconsin, hopefully. But um..okay yeah I would like to still get coffee with you". She didn't really know why she still accepted for why she found Katyas apology so sweet but something told her this girl wasn't going to hurt her so she would take a leap of faith for once and just have the damn coffee. What could go wrong?


End file.
